*Blogging has taken a backseat to life, being a mom, and my art that has suddenly taken off! Will blog when I can!!
There are certainly types of people that are common in the eating disorder world...they're actually everywhere, but there is a more dense population of them in the ed community. On my mind today, is the "Apologizer".
I have a million friends either in treatment, in recovery, in & out of treatment, somewhere on the spectrum; I have girls I officially mentor, girls I unofficially mentor, girls I like to support or just check in with every once in a while & see how they're doing with everything...besides them being my friends, I often refer to them as "my girls" or my "chiquitas".
So, I have a couple "chiquitas" I've been talking to lately who are HUGE apologizers. There was one conversation that went a little like this:
"Hi, sorry to bother you Lauren.."
"Don't be sorry, you can text me anytime"
"okay, sorry."
"Why are you sorry, I just said don't be sorry! Whats going on?"
"k, sorry"
Maybe it's natural for them, maybe it's a filler...not sure of what else to say? Maybe in other relationships there IS a need for constant apologies? I'm not sure of the reasons behind it, but it's definitely interesting!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Monday, October 17, 2011
stepping down
I wanted to write a bit about how I got through early recovery, because that certainly was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
After being in treatment, leaving & relapsing so many times, I knew I had to dosomething everything different.
It was key for me to have a very slow step-down process, as I hadn't had that before.
I was only in residential this last time for 47 days. Long enough to go through re-feeding and get on a (while minimal) basic meal plan. Also long enough to interrupt my purging & over-exercise habits. My plan was to go to treatment (Monte Nido Vista) and then return home to my place at college (Northern California). It wasn't until about a week or two before my discharge date that I found out that transition housing was going to be an opportunity for me. Money was super tight, but I knew that I needed to go there for a least a little bit, so we made it work.
I moved into the transition house and attented PHP (EDCC-Eating Disorder Center, California) for 2 months. It began as a 6 day a week program and slowly dropped down to 5 days, 4 etc. All while living at the transition house, where I recieved support from the other girls there & attended that group as well. After 2 months, finances were short and it was time for me to leave. But...where? I didn't feel like I was done at EDCC, and I certainly wasn't ready to head home-there was no treatment in the area, not to mention that the idea of being back there triggered me like crazy!
I made the crazy decision to move to Los Angeles so I could stay on my treatment plan. (BEST. DECISION. EVER) I rented a room with some chick off craigslist, got a part time job and slowly stepped down from 4day PHP to IOP. IOP began at 4 days, but I was there for less of the day. Fewer groups, sessions and meals there. The key for me was to move SLOW with this. As I got more comfortable and felt more steady on my feet, I moved down to 3 days and then 2.
Then it was time for me to start looking for a therapist.
I researched/got referrals and there were no therapists on my insurance plan that were very good with eating disorders. (I went to one lady & it was awful!) The owner of Monte Nido/EDCC, Carolyn Costin gave me a name of someone to call, a therapist that trained with her and had worked at Monte Nido, but was now working at a 'not for profit'. I dragged my feet (a lot) but I finally called her & set up a meeting.
I don't remember if it was the first or second session when I fell in love with having her as my therapist! Seriously, a perfect fit for me.
Since she knew the treatment plan I was on, she agreed to work with me financially so that I could afford to see her frequently in the beginning. I saw her 3x/week for a long time. Then, though it was because of scheduling conflicts and not because I felt "ready", we dropped down to 2 sessions a week. For well over a year and a half.
This whole time, I was being monitored by a team of doctors & my psychiatrist; Primary care physician, Cardiologist, Rheumatologist, Neurologist, Physical Therapist. They we all in communication with each other which was amazing. I couldn't afford to see a Dietician, but would occasionally check in via email with my old RD.
Only recently, with 2.5years solid recovery, have I dropped down to 1 session per week with my therapist. Sometimes it feels like enough, sometime it doesn't feel like nearly enough support.
I moved out of LA when I had my baby, so the hardest part is not being near my support people, groups, friends etc. I actually have my therapy sessions via skype :)
Just wanted to really write out how slowly I stepped down. I easily got frustrated in the beginning that I wasn't "recovered already" or "recovered enough" and wanted it to go so quickly, but I got there, I'm getting there...it just takes time. and patience. and persistence. aaand honesty :)
After being in treatment, leaving & relapsing so many times, I knew I had to do
It was key for me to have a very slow step-down process, as I hadn't had that before.
I was only in residential this last time for 47 days. Long enough to go through re-feeding and get on a (while minimal) basic meal plan. Also long enough to interrupt my purging & over-exercise habits. My plan was to go to treatment (Monte Nido Vista) and then return home to my place at college (Northern California). It wasn't until about a week or two before my discharge date that I found out that transition housing was going to be an opportunity for me. Money was super tight, but I knew that I needed to go there for a least a little bit, so we made it work.
I moved into the transition house and attented PHP (EDCC-Eating Disorder Center, California) for 2 months. It began as a 6 day a week program and slowly dropped down to 5 days, 4 etc. All while living at the transition house, where I recieved support from the other girls there & attended that group as well. After 2 months, finances were short and it was time for me to leave. But...where? I didn't feel like I was done at EDCC, and I certainly wasn't ready to head home-there was no treatment in the area, not to mention that the idea of being back there triggered me like crazy!
I made the crazy decision to move to Los Angeles so I could stay on my treatment plan. (BEST. DECISION. EVER) I rented a room with some chick off craigslist, got a part time job and slowly stepped down from 4day PHP to IOP. IOP began at 4 days, but I was there for less of the day. Fewer groups, sessions and meals there. The key for me was to move SLOW with this. As I got more comfortable and felt more steady on my feet, I moved down to 3 days and then 2.
Then it was time for me to start looking for a therapist.
I researched/got referrals and there were no therapists on my insurance plan that were very good with eating disorders. (I went to one lady & it was awful!) The owner of Monte Nido/EDCC, Carolyn Costin gave me a name of someone to call, a therapist that trained with her and had worked at Monte Nido, but was now working at a 'not for profit'. I dragged my feet (a lot) but I finally called her & set up a meeting.
I don't remember if it was the first or second session when I fell in love with having her as my therapist! Seriously, a perfect fit for me.
Since she knew the treatment plan I was on, she agreed to work with me financially so that I could afford to see her frequently in the beginning. I saw her 3x/week for a long time. Then, though it was because of scheduling conflicts and not because I felt "ready", we dropped down to 2 sessions a week. For well over a year and a half.
This whole time, I was being monitored by a team of doctors & my psychiatrist; Primary care physician, Cardiologist, Rheumatologist, Neurologist, Physical Therapist. They we all in communication with each other which was amazing. I couldn't afford to see a Dietician, but would occasionally check in via email with my old RD.
Only recently, with 2.5years solid recovery, have I dropped down to 1 session per week with my therapist. Sometimes it feels like enough, sometime it doesn't feel like nearly enough support.
I moved out of LA when I had my baby, so the hardest part is not being near my support people, groups, friends etc. I actually have my therapy sessions via skype :)
Friday, October 7, 2011
honestly...
sometimes I miss drinking 8 diet cokes in a day. Being crazy hyper and spazzing out either cleaning or crafting.
sometimes I miss rolling down my car windows, cigarette in one hand, diet coke in the other (knee on the wheel) and blasting Kesha.
sometimes I miss "forgetting" to eat.
sometimes I miss having redbull with breakfast. (and lunch)
somtimes (er...often) I miss knowing that almost anything would look okay on my body, and that I could pull anything off the rack and it would fit without even trying it on.
For every one thing I miss about how things used to be...there are a hundred things I DON'T miss. and a hundred things I LOVE about life in recovery.
I get to be a mom. That certainly wasn't going to happen (physically OR emotionally) before.
I eat like a real live human being.
I have energy to play with my daughter, do create, to have fun.
I am present.
I'm a good friend. A good sister.
I'm physically healthy, and not on bed rest.
No more being a frequent visitor of all the hospitals in the area.
No more doctor visits every other day.
No more heart monitors and pulse checks.
No crazy, irrational fear of water.
No stealing diuretics, because I was too embarassed to buy 10 boxes every.single.day.
No more needing to drink myself to sleep at 4am because it was the only way I could sleep.
No more passing out on the floor on top of my art stuff.
I sleep in a real bed, like a grown up now. And I go to bed, I don't pass out :)
No more hang overs.
No more wearing long sleeves in 100 degree weather to hide the fresh cuts on my arms.
No more lying, and trying to keep track of my lies.
No more making up excuses to leave dinner/party/work/school in order to find a place to puke.
No more wishing I were dead.
No more living off of nothing.
I no longer see fear and sadness when friends or family look at me.
I no longer spend all of my money on treatment and doctors appointments.
I no longer have to withdraw from school every semester to go back to treatment.
I no longer have to use every ounce of strength in my body to just get my body out of bed.
I wouldn't go back for anything.
Body stuff ishard horrific, devastating. But I still wouldn't go back.
sometimes I miss rolling down my car windows, cigarette in one hand, diet coke in the other (knee on the wheel) and blasting Kesha.
sometimes I miss "forgetting" to eat.
sometimes I miss having redbull with breakfast. (and lunch)
somtimes (er...often) I miss knowing that almost anything would look okay on my body, and that I could pull anything off the rack and it would fit without even trying it on.
For every one thing I miss about how things used to be...there are a hundred things I DON'T miss. and a hundred things I LOVE about life in recovery.
I get to be a mom. That certainly wasn't going to happen (physically OR emotionally) before.
I eat like a real live human being.
I have energy to play with my daughter, do create, to have fun.
I am present.
I'm a good friend. A good sister.
I'm physically healthy, and not on bed rest.
No more being a frequent visitor of all the hospitals in the area.
No more doctor visits every other day.
No more heart monitors and pulse checks.
No crazy, irrational fear of water.
No stealing diuretics, because I was too embarassed to buy 10 boxes every.single.day.
No more needing to drink myself to sleep at 4am because it was the only way I could sleep.
No more passing out on the floor on top of my art stuff.
I sleep in a real bed, like a grown up now. And I go to bed, I don't pass out :)
No more hang overs.
No more wearing long sleeves in 100 degree weather to hide the fresh cuts on my arms.
No more lying, and trying to keep track of my lies.
No more making up excuses to leave dinner/party/work/school in order to find a place to puke.
No more wishing I were dead.
No more living off of nothing.
I no longer see fear and sadness when friends or family look at me.
I no longer spend all of my money on treatment and doctors appointments.
I no longer have to withdraw from school every semester to go back to treatment.
I no longer have to use every ounce of strength in my body to just get my body out of bed.
I wouldn't go back for anything.
Body stuff is
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
history
For those of you who didn't follow me on youtube...here's my brief history
My eating disorder began at 11, it got way worse at 17 and continued to get worse each year, month, day...
I went to residential treatment for the first time Dec 26 2007, to RainRock (affiliate of monte nido, owner: carolyn costin), in eugene, oregon for 3 months. I was overweight at admission and was diagnosed ed-nos, and was very sick.
afterwards, I relapsed really badly while I did an IOP/PHP in the bay area (california), was hospitalized 3 times, and then went to a great PHP in sacramento. (sedop.org)
After some brief period of recovery and outpatient, i relapsed again, worse than ever. Diagnosed with anorexia-purging type, I decided to go to a holistic treatment center in Arizona. It didn't work out for me, and I left AMA after 2.5 weeks.
I fell further and further into my illness and depression
In April 2009, I was lucky enough to get into Monte Nido Vista (carolyn costins program).
After 45 days residential, 2 months in the transision house and PHP, then 2 months IOP, I was able to stay behavior free!
My e.d. "clean" date is April 22. I got sober from alcohol sept 9.
I slowly stepped down in my outpatient care, starting with 3 therapy session/week and slowly making my way down to once per week, And going to lots of groups. I am so happy to be free from the eating disorder for 2.5 years now! And over 2 years sober. I also have not self-injured in a very long time!
None of this has been easy, it's been a struggle, but it IS possible to recover
I was sick for 11 years of my life, I was sick, and dying, and now I'm not. even in recovery, I had a heart attack and heart surgery, due to permanent damage from the ed. But even those "lasting complications" have largely resolved themselves :)
I hope to share my story, to help someone, anyone.
My eating disorder began at 11, it got way worse at 17 and continued to get worse each year, month, day...
I went to residential treatment for the first time Dec 26 2007, to RainRock (affiliate of monte nido, owner: carolyn costin), in eugene, oregon for 3 months. I was overweight at admission and was diagnosed ed-nos, and was very sick.
afterwards, I relapsed really badly while I did an IOP/PHP in the bay area (california), was hospitalized 3 times, and then went to a great PHP in sacramento. (sedop.org)
After some brief period of recovery and outpatient, i relapsed again, worse than ever. Diagnosed with anorexia-purging type, I decided to go to a holistic treatment center in Arizona. It didn't work out for me, and I left AMA after 2.5 weeks.
I fell further and further into my illness and depression
In April 2009, I was lucky enough to get into Monte Nido Vista (carolyn costins program).
After 45 days residential, 2 months in the transision house and PHP, then 2 months IOP, I was able to stay behavior free!
My e.d. "clean" date is April 22. I got sober from alcohol sept 9.
I slowly stepped down in my outpatient care, starting with 3 therapy session/week and slowly making my way down to once per week, And going to lots of groups. I am so happy to be free from the eating disorder for 2.5 years now! And over 2 years sober. I also have not self-injured in a very long time!
None of this has been easy, it's been a struggle, but it IS possible to recover
I was sick for 11 years of my life, I was sick, and dying, and now I'm not. even in recovery, I had a heart attack and heart surgery, due to permanent damage from the ed. But even those "lasting complications" have largely resolved themselves :)
I hope to share my story, to help someone, anyone.
Monday, October 3, 2011
for my you-tubers
I have really missed my you tube days. I miss all of the relationships I made there, the support I received from friends and strangers alike; I miss helping others through sharing my story, and I miss the expression and release I got from consistently venting/sharing.
Due to lack of time, and well, serious body image issues, I just can't bring myself to record a video these days. BUT, I hope some of my peeps from you tube land, as well as from elsewhere will follow my blog here and find it as helpful as some have found my videos :)
Any topics you'd like me to speak on?
Lauren
Due to lack of time, and well, serious body image issues, I just can't bring myself to record a video these days. BUT, I hope some of my peeps from you tube land, as well as from elsewhere will follow my blog here and find it as helpful as some have found my videos :)
Any topics you'd like me to speak on?
Lauren
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