honestly...

sometimes I miss drinking 8 diet cokes in a day. Being crazy hyper and spazzing out either cleaning or crafting.
sometimes I miss rolling down my car windows, cigarette in one hand, diet coke in the other (knee on the wheel) and blasting Kesha.
sometimes I miss "forgetting" to eat.
sometimes I miss having redbull with breakfast. (and lunch)
somtimes (er...often) I miss knowing that almost anything would look okay on my body, and that I could pull anything off the rack and it would fit without even trying it on.


For every one thing I miss about how things used to be...there are a hundred things I DON'T miss. and a hundred things I LOVE about life in recovery.

I get to be a mom. That certainly wasn't going to happen (physically OR emotionally) before.
I eat like a real live human being.
I have energy to play with my daughter, do create, to have fun.
I am present.
I'm a good friend. A good sister.
I'm physically healthy, and not on bed rest.
No more being a frequent visitor of all the hospitals in the area.
No more doctor visits every other day.
No more heart monitors and pulse checks.
No crazy, irrational fear of water.
No stealing diuretics, because I was too embarassed to buy 10 boxes every.single.day.
No more needing to drink myself to sleep at 4am because it was the only way I could sleep.
No more passing out on the floor on top of my art stuff.
I sleep in a real bed, like a grown up now. And I go to bed, I don't pass out :)
No more hang overs.
No more wearing long sleeves in 100 degree weather to hide the fresh cuts on my arms.
No more lying, and trying to keep track of my lies.
No more making up excuses to leave dinner/party/work/school in order to find a place to puke.
No more wishing I were dead.
No more living off of nothing.
I no longer see fear and sadness when friends or family look at me.
I no longer spend all of my money on treatment and doctors appointments.
I no longer have to withdraw from school every semester to go back to treatment.
I no longer have to use every ounce of strength in my body to just get my body out of bed.

I wouldn't go back for anything.
Body stuff is hard horrific, devastating. But I still wouldn't go back.